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Date:2009-01-10 20:04
Subject:I just miss seeing that lil dino icon smile . . . time to start writing again . . .
Mood: cheerful

 I just miss seeing that lil dino icon smile . . . time to start writing again . . . I know . . .

Took some time off there. I needed to. I don't want to get into it. Its been a busy year.

Lots of changes - lots more coming down the line.

I have a feeling this is one of those years I'm going to be writing a lot.

 . . . aww, see that lil guy smiling. I wanna feel like that again. 

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Date:2006-02-27 01:56
Subject:Maybe We Are Both Good People That Have Done Some Bad Things

gawd - i'm having one of those nights where i'm just so sad and beaten down by the world. (and no i'm not coming down off anything, i was good this weekend, well pretty good :P)

i'm sure it will pass, it always does. but yeah . . .

i feel soo disconnected from reality. like i'm just some robot drifting through a pre-programmed life. a fun and crazy adventure but one that i have no real control over. so many people in my life yet none that really understands. and the one guy that does get me, keeps pushing me away. the gap is widening and i'm drifting further away from it all, from them all, from anything meaningful.

everything feels so pointless lately. the sex lately just seems meaningless. if i was to describe my weekend it would sound like so much fun i'm sure and i guess i had a good time. things are going really well, i really shouldn't complain but at the end of the day, it's just me again. alone. sitting at this computer.

the only people who make it worthwhile all live in far off places, geographically or mentally.

i guess i'm looking forward to coming week. i'll work harder at my job and try to focus on doing better there. i'll see some friends and hang out. i'll go to the gym more and try to take care of myself. and go out less and try to save money and drink less and connect with the people in my life that i really do enjoy. oh yes, i'm sure it will be another great week. but sometimes it all just gets old and i wonder what's the point of it all . . .

WOW! could this post be any more of a downer. i should just delete it but then i've needed a good confessional from the heart lately.

i know, i have lots to look forward to. and one of my best friends is coming out from new zealand for a wedding in two weeks that i'm going to. my first wedding ever can you believe that? i've never been to one. it's going to be really weird too. the bride was this girl i knew from santa cruz and she's marrying the assistant to some ultra-conservative OC senator or something. but the lesbian friends from SF were good friends with her too so we're all going together. and it will be great to just to see one of my best friends again. always fun times with her around.

ok i feel better after getting all that out. so much more happened. this weekend was like a lifetime. they always are. i don't even remember friday, it all seems so long ago.

quick recap. friday. gym after work. meanwhile bomb squad taped off my car for three hours. so there i was stuck in hollywood for awhile while they checked out a threat on a building. so at least jay was nice enough to pick me up from that mess, cause i was standing there damp from a shower and it was getting cold. and the cops weren't letting me anywhere near my car. we went and grabbed a drink with his friend he was out with. which was fun. weird though because i used to be friends with this one guy and now he seemed a stranger.

saturday was pretty mellow. i reconnected randomly online, with this awesome guy i met a year ago, right before heading out the door for saturday night debauchery. we'd had great sex and a brilliant conversation one night a year ago and i never saw him again. but that's because he was too strung-out to really be-friend back then but now he's clean and sober and in rehab so it was good to see he survived all that. i didn't think he was going to. and we might hang out soon. he's putting his energies into making movies instead of getting high all the time so that's cool and a good example to have around.

then this afternoon hooked up with this random guy i met online in the valley, we made some amateur porn. it was fun. and on my way back home pulled up to an intersection and saw this guy laying on there ground covered in blood, his buddies pouring water bottles over his chest trying to clean up the wound, from a knife/gun shot, so they could get out of there and be discreet while they drove off. i don't know. the cops hadn't arrived yet. but i was stuck at the red light and whatever had just gone down had JUST gone down so i couldn't get out of there fast enough. i was on the phone when i looked over and i was like OH SHIT, can this light turn green already. took off and hung out with a friend for dinner and then kinda broke down and got in one of those weird fights with him, that you don't understand later upon reflection and were really not over anything - except that you were in a bad mood and really wanted to just be by yourself that night.

i think i'm going to start shooting more. i have a couple of different photo projects i've been wanting to work on. and i think diving back into creative work is exactly what i need right now.

so yeah . . . guess i'll see if i can try to get some sleep. night. i'm sure i'll be ok in the morning.

Date:2006-01-29 13:07
Subject:GAWD Damn!!!!

GAWD damn these weekends keep on getting better and better. I don't even know what to say. What an incredible fuckin night!!!

Oh and i'm going to try to get back to writing more from now on. I went to a reading this week and was inspired. I miss sitting down and telling stories.

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Date:2005-12-08 16:11
Subject:ok, ok, so it's been awhile . . .

I know, I know . . . it's been awhile. I kinda dropped out for awhile but I've been busy workin and having fun.

just got back from a trip down to Puerto Vallarta. it was incredible. such a lush, beautiful jungle city on the most beautiful beaches. I was just dropping through for the night on a trip for one of my friend's BD's up the coast in this lil surfer town Sayulita - but damn, I was fuckin blown away!!! what an amazing city.

but let's step back a sec. this trip represented soo much more. I finally got my PASSPORT. good thing too, since I lost my other ID in this sketchy club in TJ a few weeks before . . . but yeah, now it's that much easier to take my friends up on their offers to visit them in far off places while they're living outside the country. AND it's the first time I've traveled outside this country alone and even though it was just Mexico, I had to convert my money, grab a taxi, find my way through Puerto all by myself. but I surprised myself and was able to speak spanish pretty well to most of the people I met and it all just seemed to work itself out.

but yeah, since I was flying all the way down there to meet my friends in this lil rural town. I figured why not stay a night in Puerto just to check out the clubs and everything going on there in the city. AND it just so happened to be this big crazy week-long gay boy latin party at this resort in town. I guess Puerto Vallarta has become this major gay travel destination for guys in Mexico and Cetral America - who knew?

so after taking a taxi into town and checkin in at my place I walked right down the hill, down these narrow cobblestone streets and onto the beach. I was staying in the gay part of town, called Zona Romantica or Zona Rosa but it also just so happened to be a lot less cheesy, touristy and looked right out of the pages of some classical european story book, colonial buildings, cobble stone streets. everything just felt so relaxed. people were so nice. there were gay guys everywhere but it didn't feel overly gay. just very foreign.

the beach downstairs also happened to be the area's gay beach - was it all the hot guys in speedos or bad techno blasting from the speakers that gave it away!?! after I got down there, I sat back in the white sand and watched the most beautiful sunset - watching all these guys laying around, drinking, hanging out with their boy friends, splashing in the waves. it was amazing. and the air was soo warm even after the sun had sunk down behind the mountains across the bay. I've never been in a tropical climate before and I fuckin loved it. the water was warm. there were coconut palms and the most beautiful butterflies drifting around everywhere. iguanas laying in the sun. weird crazy tropical fish washed up in the sand.

that night I headed out and checked out the clubs and bars. ate some great mexican food by the beach and just wandered getting lost. there's nothing like getting lost down streets you've never been down before. ended downing beers in and wandering between a few bars. nothing really got started before midnight there. starred out at the waves from the boardwalk. watched some goofy mexican strip shows. what was up with all the cowboy and bull fighter themed strip shows, lol. around 12:30 I wandered over to the evening's party. the latin white party.

yes I know, I've sworn up and down I'd never go to a big ol' circuit party. let alone THE white party. but THAT party's in palm springs - this one was in another country you know!?! so there I was . . .

it was actually lots of fun. and yeah, I did wear a white cut-off tee. shut up. it was cute. and there I was drinking downing coronas. (I didn't trust myself to drink hard liquor by myself in another country after my last out-of-country debacherous black-out weekend when my wallet got stolen). the cutest guys serving drinks. the music was going off. the party was out on this patio and in this backyard garden area on this lil island on the River Cuelo. right where the river met the ocean, there was this giant bridge going up over the water, tourists and couples walking past. looking down at this crazy party on an island - flashing lights, groups of boys (ok, rich older, albeit HOT, gay men) lining up, waves crashing mere not even twenty feet away.

I ended up dancing for awhile, stepped out into the garden and was just hanging out for awhile when I saw this one guy rolling in the grass laughing and talking with this friend of his. it reminded me of all the raver kids I've ever seen rolling all over the floor, completely in bliss. I looked over at him and gave him that - I'm exactly where you are look and he smiled and we started chatting. he was the nicest guy ever, this aussie boy from the states. lived up there for awhile and then came down to PV six years ago and never left. I can see why, I met a bunch of people this trip that have completely abandoned the states and are just living by the beach hanging out, partying, surfing, doing odd jobs. can't say it doesn't sound tempting.

but yeah, hung out with that aussie boy all night. turns out he wasn't rolling that night, just drunk but he hooked me up anyways, and turned out to be the perfect partner in crime. I love meeting locals when I travel. they know all the fun places. sure we hung out and enjoyed the party but we also took off and just walked the streets talking and walking around the city. he took me to one of the more local clubs where we saw - more cowboy strippers, lol. you couldn't get away from it. but yeah when we finally got back to the party, the E was fully finally kicking in hard and the party was GOING OFF!!! After dancing together for awhile with his friends, we stepped out into the garden, my friend walking around working and hooking some more people up . . . I turned and looked up at the bridge, the stars, the waves crashing in the ocean behind it all and thought for a second gawd damn this is so FUCKING AMAZING!!! where the hell am I . . .

and then I had a MOMENT. all these go-go dancers got up on this stage on the bridge, six of these really cute local latin guys, buffed out but so cute and thuggy boyish. they were in loin cloths and wearing the cutest lil sets of monarch butterfly wings on their gorgeous ripped backs. there was this one taller guy dressed as a shaman witch doctor and he walked around them commanding them to dance and they all looked so out of place in their cute lil costumes and go-go dancing but it was all so beautiful. and my mind just raced about the meaning of it all. somehow my thoughts wandered back to the monarchs I used to see in santa cruz and the ones I'd seen that afternoon on the beach. I thought about the journey those butterflies take every year to retreat to this paradise every winter. from Santa Cruz to Puerto Vallarta. these were my people. looking out at the gorgeous tanned skin, smooth bodies and lil monarch wings. I thought about all the guys from Mexico that travel north to the states to find work, to start over in LA, to date and create a new life, to follow their dreams. the dance seemed to be about all those guys yet refer back to the history and culture of Mexico and say don't forget about your country, don't forget about your homes. don't forget about this tropical paradise and this relaxed way of life.

I dunno . . . maybe it was just some hardcore rolling induced hallucination but I really sympathized with those guys and with the monarch butterflies and realized that my home will always be in the warm climate of some beach-side town with relaxed down to earth people. living in LA I'm realizing that I don't think I can take the cold anymore and santa cruz is the furthest north I can ever move but sometimes even LA is too cold and it's nice to know I've found another warmer place that I can retreat to when things are out of control. maybe I'm crazy but in that moment and every since I've been at such peace with things. with myself. this has been one crazy year of soul-searching and I think things are finally coming back down to earth for me.

I looked over at my new friend, he had the biggest smile on his face and he asked if I wanted go get some tacos. I was like sure, this night is all one blur so there's no way I'm hungry but it's great having the company so let's go for it . . . so there were, my friend trying to sober up, munching on tacos from the street around 4:30 in the morning. the sun was just starting to come up . . . it was amazing . . .

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

the rest of the trip was a lot more mellow. my friends had rented out this gorgeous house in this lil town up the coast that was filled with ex-patriot americans and surfers - so the next morning I checked out and took a taxi up the coast. it was a gorgeous drive through the countryside and then we headed up into the hills and I saw my first rainforest. the trees were huge with all these vines. it was great.

I finally met up with friends walking down the beach . . . a few hours after leaving my stuff at their place. they were blissed out from five days of already laying on the beach and swimming all day long. so yeah . . . we just hung out for a few more days. celebrated my friends BD. laid in the sun all day. I went hiking back in the jungle and freaked myself out when it got all quiet and the beach disappeared behind me. ate some great food. my friends started getting really sick. I took some cool photos. wandered around some more. went swimming ever day. watched the surfers. and then finally on our last night there together I got sick too.

the rest of the trip I was a mess. my friends flew back on Monday but I had saved one more night to go out in Puerto Vallarta before heading back. but nope - there I was laying in bed. wanting to die. I got REALLY sick. I started freaking out thinking oh my gawd, I didn't tell ANYONE where I am. if I die here they'll just throw my body in some ravine and no one will ever hear from me again. just a - "Whatever happened to Chad? He went to Mexico one day and we never heard from him again?" I was laying there sweating and puking and it was just gross. I laid there for hours my stomach hurt SOOO bad. I swear I could feel and watch my abdominal muscles expand and contract on their own in pain . . . BUT I did realize that my body looks really HOT when I'm sick and feverish and haven't eaten much ( I noticed as I looked at my sweaty body in the mirror as I ran to the bathroom, lol).

sucks having paradise just outside your door and not being able to enjoy it. oh well . . . felt a lil better the next day. not much but enough to going walking on the beach one last time. I walked further up the beach to this private lil cove. talked to another local guy with the cutest punk rock haircut running around around playing in the tide pools. we talked for awhile and he asked if I was staying for a few days? I had to tell him I was just waiting to head back to the airport (damnit!). I know, I know, there I was still sick and yet I was thinking about guys. what else is new?

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

but finally got back to the states. I'm feeling better and now I know that there's this new incredible new place to explore just a two hour flight south of LA. I can't wait to take my friends back with me next time.

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Date:2005-07-11 10:11
Subject:I'm BACK!!!
Mood: excited

Ok, so back from the road: California > Nevada > Utah > Colorado > Wyoming > Montana > Washington > Oregon

Over 3,0000 miles in the car in under 8 days. With a driver that likes Slayer and Metallica more then techno and indie rock. Lots of camping. Lots of hick watching. No computers. Lots of FAT americans. Scary road side rest stops. Lots of crappy food from gas stations. And stops at about seven national parks and hundreds of miles of the most incredible scenery. I'm inspired.

And SOOOO glad to be back in LA . . . you have no idea how lucky we are to be here. But right now it's back to work . . .

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Date:2005-06-28 11:35
Subject:Chillin . . .
Mood: hungry

Chillin and bored at work. It's a slow week and we're not putting out a magazine so we're not on deadline - for once. Fuck yeah!!! In related news, I've decided not to be such a big ol' online ho anymore. It's been getting me nowhere. I'm kinda turned off by it all now. Not that i don't mind meeting hot guys out at the bars or through friends but sex has become too easy. I need to deal with my boredom and loneliness in other, more productive ways. And wait for the GREAT sex that i know is out there with a guy i actually care about.

Right now, I'm all about enjoying myself, going to the gym, getting hot and just having fun with friends. The guys i really like aren't going anywhere. There's soo much going on over the next month. Road trip. New York. San Francisco. I'll fill you all in later. Gawd i love summer.

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Date:2005-06-18 10:31
Mood: energetic

OK, so I know it's been forever!!! BUT i swear too much has been going on. And I've made the conscious decision to focus on my REAL life lately. I'm kind over the online thing for the moment. But here's some new pix from the last few months. And yeah . . . there's definitely more coming. i'm just WAY behind because it was transferring all my files to a new computer. Long story - but the old one went nuclear. But - wooohooo - love the new iMac. But yeah, things have been out of control lately. I swear i was out almost every night these past few weeks. For example:

Last Fri: dancing over at this mega gay latin club CIRCUS with friends. four dance floors. fun drunken antics. made out with the hottest guy that just grabbed me from the crowd outside. 

Last Sat: hit up this candy raver porno rave with Ron Jeremy hosting and where girls in lingerie get in for free. and yes they got naked up on stage too and made out with each other. but jay and i had enough of that by like 2am. and it was off to a FREE warehouse party with the BEST music (with much less straight boyz ogling the girls) - where we danced till like 8am

Then Sun: weho gay pride parade and festival. which me and my friend completely avoided by spending all day in bed cracked-out and recovering :P listening to music. but we were pretty good i swear, well only because he made me. gawd i have no self control. but yeah got up like 8pm. drove him home. and then met up with friends for drinks in weho after-pride. it was supposed to be one drink and catching up on our weekends. the bars were crazy. we drank until like 2am. on the way back to my car i met this awesome guy . . . 

So Mon: (morning) . . . ended up back at his gorgeous place up in the hollywood hills. it was straight out of a movie. so ended up using my first sick day EVER (i never use sick days - i'm such a workaholic) to stay in bed with . . . drum roll please . . . my first older guy. go me. he was 37 going on 25 but i agree - perhaps i can try dating guys like this. my friends have been telling me to . . . the guys sure appreciate me a lot more. i dunno? but they do have such nice houses and cars. lol . . . speaking of which . . . back to retrieve my car in weho. hoping it wasn't towed. it wasn't but they did give me dirty looks :P And then after a short nap - it was off to see Sandra Collins performing for $5 (including a FREE drink!!!) at this monday night club. That was awesome. i love her music!!! and she was in top form. and HOT as ever!!! you should seen the straight guys trying to get her attention. Too bad I was falling asleep and she wasn't even half-way into her set. OK, that's a sign I need some sleep.

Tuesday night: took Jay and Ranak to a concert for Ranak's BD!!! saw the Faint. and Bright Eyes - they played downtown by my house. Actually in the very same building where i went to my first rave EVER!!! i hadn't been back since. it was a total trip!!!! the placed was packed though and we got shitty seats by the time we gt there, where everything echoed and reverb shook your brain but still amazing to see. . . and damn Bright Eyes fuckin went off. But why does Conner always have to be such a lil' bitch?

Wed night: launch party at this huge gay club after work - for one of those new gay stations. Q Network. i brought along the camera and was invited to shoot the party for our mag. it was a palm springs pool party theme with cacti and lil kiddie pools with go-go boys in speedos. plus i interviewed and photographed the founder. this of course after i was completely belligerent from the open bar!!! jeez, hope he doesn't remember THAT!!! . . . well by the time open bar and the party was over i was too drunk to drive home so i wandered down the street to another bar . . . it was FUEGO night so this HOT, HOT thug boy grabbed me. i don't remember how we met but we ended up hooking-up in the girls bathroom for like ever, LOL . . . go public sex. I know, it's Rage and that's a lil cliche but trust me - it was HOT . . . and turns out he lives a few blocks from my house - soo woohoo. But yeah guess i finally got home and got some sleep at some point. Was at work a few hours later. yes i was working through all these crazy days. how? i do not know . . .

So yeah Thurs. night i kinda just chilled and stayed home for once. And last night i did the same, finally doing some laundry. But yeah. . . when you look at those pix on my site. That's only about an 1/8 of the stuff i've actually been getting up to lately but i usually leave the camera at home cuz it distracts - ya know. But there's been some quiet beautiful moments in between. Some crazy moments. Some quiet moments. A broken heart. Some nervous breakdowns. Realizing it's not a broken heart but really something soo much more amazing then that. Confusion. Way TOO much fun. Lots of drugs. A visit from an old friend living in New Zealand. Watching a fratboy get punched out. A road trip. A visit to santa cruz. And some simply profound moments with my best friend. AND a bunch of awesome warehouse parties downtown . . . I could go on forever. But yeah here ya go. PIX from the Coachella music festival last month and my trip out to the desert.


More pix will be up after the weekend . . from E3 and the tv party, etc . . . And oh yeah - i finally broke down and got a mohawk now. I love it. It's HOT!!! Ok, so it's a gorgeous morning in LA and I'm off to the gym for a bit and then out for a hike or something. I have no idea where the next 24hr hours will take me let alone the next few weeks but i'm loving it. I'd like to say this is going to be a mellow weekend of relaxation but who knows. I'm definitely in the money saving mode for a few weeks, hoping to take a trip by the end of the summer. But who knows . . .

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Date:2005-03-26 19:05
Subject:Summer's On the Way
Mood: relaxed

Man what a fucking awesome afternoon. For some reason i keep waking up at like 8am every weekend - no matter how late i stay up. I guess my mind is preparing for daylight savings, or something. Last weekend i was annoyed by it but this time i just went with it and was like - Ok, i'm gonna go get some shit done. So yeah i packed up my stuff for the day. Drove my car over to the dealership by my parents house, to get a tune-up and then hiked up my old place for a lil bit. My mom was in the middle of taking off for the day pretty soon so i had the place to my self. Soo great to be in a real house with a backyard for a lil bit. All by myself. I took off my shirt to get some sun and mowed the lawn in my shorts. Man i love the smell of freshly cut grass. I swear it took me back to when i was a kid. And that lawn just looked SOO good by the time I was done. Such a different sense of accomplishment then I usually receive from my work everyday at the office.

And with no one around i stripped down to my briefs, swabbed on some sun-screen and laid out on a lawnchair. Man, I forgot what a peaceful place my parents house is like. Laying in the warming sun. Birds hopping around chirping. Squirrels all running around being crazy. It reminded me of all those afternoons after walking home in high school and laying out back there before anyone else got home. Or even playing out there on the lawn with my action figures when i was a little kid. And SOO fuckin great to go inside and have a fully stocked fridge with tons of good snacks. So yeah, laying out with an iced-tea, a book, some good tunes. PARADISE.

And so the mechanics ended up taking forever with my tune-up so then i ended up going for a hike up into the hills behind our house - and saw the most amazing thing. Wandering up in the deserted hillsides, all covered with scrub brush. Wild flowers were blooming, there was a gentle breeze and hundreds of butterflies filling the air. I don't know where they came from. Man i love the desert. Man I love hiking. I REALLY need to make that happen more often. But with the most beautiful music blasting through my headphones and twenty some of my favorite albums sitting there on my ipod and hiking and sweating my way up those hills all by myself. Finally made it all the way onto this one hillside with the most amazing view of San Fernando Valley, San Gabriel Valley and Downtown all at once - it was awesome. Such an amazing afternoon. Fuckin hot though. But DAMN if i don't fuckin love the smell of my skin all covered with suntan lotion after sweating in the sun for a few hours. Hmmm - smells like BOY. I think that's one of my new favorite fetishes. =P Now i just need a fine-ass boy to take hiking up into the hills, get all sweaty and lick him up and down in some remote ravine all by ourselves. Come on summertime's almost here . . .

Being out in the mountains was exactly what i needed to put my life in perspective. I stopped by and said what's up to my dad. (His ashes are scattered up on one of the hills up there). Listened to some great music. Some techno. Some experimental. Some electroclash. Some Rilo Kiley. Some Ani. First time i got to really listen to one of her latest albums. And it was brilliant - as always. Man, listening to Ani always takes me back to Santa Cruz in my head. And always back to my 'real self' - if that makes sense. Like she helps my mind cut through all the daily bullshit and stress and crazy drama that i get myself all caught up in. And let's me just remember what's important.

Started a new book a friend gave me. And god damn if it was the PERFECT read for this moment I've found myself in these days. A fiercely independent character, mixed with love, mixed with crazy drugged-out, drunken adventures, mixed with hot boy-on-boy sex and confusing friendships and gay boy drama - whose just letting it all go and going with the moment. I think that's all we're supposed to be doing in our twenties. I stress too much. I need to just chill out sometimes. But yeah - SOO good to be reading again. Being in LA i forget too often that reading is one of my favorite pastimes.

It's just that no one reads here in LA. Despite the reputation, while i actually see people walk and use public transit here, NO ONE reads in LA. Which reminds me . . . I completely forgot to blog about two recent (meaning the last six months, lol) books i've read - both of which were fuckin awesome and both are completely different. The first is CLAY'S WAY by Blair Mastbaum - which has gotten a lot of press in the gay rags so i'm not going to go off too much - just google it. But it's a fun little romp through the mind of a hot lil skater boy over in Hawaii - falling for for his first love. It completely captures the lunacy and obsession of completely falling for that first someone. And it's got hot skater boy sex - so hello!?! It's got to be good - right?

But the other book . . . GLAMORAMA by Bret Easton Ellis. DAMN. It's was fuckin amazing. Profound. BRILLIANT. Completely took me by surprise. But be careful - while it's a technically brilliant novel and really comments on the state of our world in a way that I haven't seen since Fight Club. I can't say i actually recommend reading it - because it's FUCKING TRAUMATIZING and jusat plain GROSS at times. I mean I'm usually mixed on Bret Easton Ellis's work anyways. But he really manages to break new ground in this work . . . But STILL I can't recommend it unless you can really handle FUCKED UP SHIT.

Why? Well - just like the film Requiem for A Dream - that everyone and their mom used to recommend to me and my roommate. Until one night we actually rented it and ended up - FUCKIN TRAUMATIZED!!!!! YEAH - really wish i could get those two hours of my life back!!! Man - why the fuck did people tell me to see that movie??? Yes - technically brilliant. But umm - I didn't need to "GO THERE". Ya know? Same with this book.

Don't say i didn't warn you. The first half of this novel seems cheap and trashy and is truly a guilty pleasure as you get all caught up in the world of super models and celebrity, in New York, in the early nineties. And a period piece in the Nineties is just as much fun as say watching Donnie Darko and experiencing my the "Eighties" as a period piece. But i swear about halfway through, the book takes a fuckin U-Turn and takes you to some DARK FUCKIN PLACES that i really wish i could erase from my mind. Though there IS a HOT fuckin three-some interspersed between all the killing and mayhem. Which makes you feel especially sick as your notice yourself getting hard just pages after some brutal murder.

Anyways. Enough about that. Read at your own risk. Time to get on with my weekend . . . Got my car back. I'm back downtown. Just chillin and listening to some new music. Right now - I'm going to make myself some food since I got the time for once and I've got my place all to myself. I LOVE when my roommates disappear for he weekends off to wherever it is that they go. Makes me feel like I have this giant flat all to myself. Ok, I love this song that just came on now. Time to go fuckin dance to some techno and make some food already. Later.

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Date:2005-03-05 12:10
Subject:I'm SOOOO Excited
Mood: energetic

Ok, so first i gotta geek out for a second. So i got this fortune cookie the other day that said something like: "If your technology is not challenging you it's time for an update." And while that IS some sage advice - WTF!!! Since when did the Chinese feel the need to help pull me across the digital divide?

But appropriate none the less - I finally updated my lil mac to OS X and what an amazing impact it's had on my life - woohoo!!! My monitor stopped flickering, the iTunes store is just soo fascinating to play around on, the iPod is just completely out of control, web sites that actually work, a system that doesn't crash, i can actually use gay.com for the first time!!! And THEN my friend gave me a copy of Adobe Creative Suite the other day and DAMN - i fuckin love it!!! Would someone please not let me slack soo much next time on keeping up on that stuff.

I'm taking the fortune to heart and throwing myself into learning the ins and outs of a bunch of new programs. No more Dreamweaver - here comes GoLive for my website. Going to play around with InDesign. I've heard soo much great stuff about it yet been hesitant to try it since the old skool publishing world i'm part of is still soo insistent on using Quark. So yeah - over the next few months it's back to school for me - i gotta catch up on all these new apps!!!

But yeah - so i finally updated my pix from New York. Not as many this time around. It was more of a "living it" experience and less of a "taking pictures" trip this time around:

Anyways - i'm off to enjoy my weekend and get off my computer. It was a LONG fuckin week at work and I just need to get outside. By the way people. I'm having cell phone DRAMA again. Fuckin' Cingular and my dad dying and everything . . . so i'm off to go deal with that HELL that they call customer service. (UPDATE: CELL PHONE DRAMA RESOLVED!!! I'm back in business. Let's get this weekend started already.)

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Date:2005-02-18 22:05

So yeah . . . i know it's been awhile. Guess it's time i sit down and update already. SOO much has been going on - i just havn't had the chance to stop and write. I meant to write back in December about my visiting my dad in rehab and what a bizarre insane experience that was. About the crazy friends he was makin there. About this older gay couple he be-friended. The first new friend he's made in years - some recovering tweeker gay dude. I mean we're talkin about my dad - a straight-laced conservative guy. How random?

I meant to write about our family spending christmas day visting him again rehab. What a surreal afternoon that was - holidays with the fam in rehab with tweeker guy and my dad. More random moments but he was finally doing better. My mom decided to postpone opening presents until my dad got out - it was a weird day. I remember telling my brother that he better sit down and talk with my dad because if he started drinking again he was never going to live to the next time my brother visted. I went out and got some drinks at Akbar that night to shake off the weirdness of the whole experience and after getting in a fight with my best friend i fuckin needed it. I know, I know - great way to shake off the stress of dealing with an alcoholic, by drinking myself - the irony was not lost on me. The only guy i ended up talking with though was this one guy - whose friend had died earlier that day in car crash. . . It was a weird fuckin night.

I meant to write about New Year's Eve and partyin it up at the Sports Arena in downtown LA. After spendin the day celebrating a postponed "christmas" with the fam that afternoon. It was my brother's last day in LA and my dad had gotten out of rehab the day before. We had a fun time. Or as much as the four of us can have together - a family of four strangers pretending we still know each other.

I meant to write about the party that night, Together As One. As always - an awesome party but really my mind was SOOO distracted. I didn't know why at the time. We stopped for pizza on the way over and had gotten into a really weird conversation about the Tsunami, and all the hundreds of thousands dead, with the girl that put our order together. It was a buzz kill to say the least. That night we met up with a big ol crew of people though - which was fuckin fun. It's been awhile since i partied with such a big, mixed group of friends - everyone rollin their asses off!!! Danced into the morning . . . crashed for a few hours . . . grabbed some food . . . and drove a few of us all out to my favorite beach up in Malibu later that afternoon to watch the sunset: http://members.cruzio.com/~chaderik/journal.html

I meant to write about a call 10 days later. It had been raining for days. This hard fuckin rain that was flooding the valleys and wouldn't let up. The days looked like nights and the storm pounded on. That Monday night i got home from work, then from the gym. And my mom called hysterical at like 10pm - she had found my father dead - a few streets from our house. Just sitting there in his car, on some street up in the hills, classical music blasting, starring out at the rain.

I meant to write about my furious ride over there in the storm. The rain covering the road - me speeding across the freeways. Cursing him, screaming at him, in disbelief. The last time i ever saw him was New Year's Eve as the family ran around, and i ran out the door to meet up with my friends. I meant to write about the weird conversation, talking with the cop that was watching over my father's body. About seeing my mom crumble into a sobbing mess. About watching her life dissolve around her - one random night in the rain. Or about that older gay couple rushing over after they happened to call that night and spending the night: my mom, me, recovering tweeker guy and his partner - sitting around in shock, remembering my father. It was surreal having them there. I never would have imagined the night of my father's death like that - my mom and three gay guys reflecting - HA!!! But you see - it was weird watching them because they KNEW that if one of them started using again. If one of them fell back into crystal that it would be ALL over. They'd been in and out of rehab and they KNEW that were watching their future if they didn't gain control of their lives and their dysfunctional relationship. AND because my father and i never talked about my relationships or my bfs. I really think he befriended these guys to get to know me better. And there we were consoling my mother.

The next morning after ZERO sleep. Like can you really sleep when your mom's crying her eyes out in the other room !??! I gathered my things and attempted to head home and get dressed for work. Crazy you say??? Well normally i'd have said FUCK THAT but i work for a magazine and we were in the middle of the biggest issue of the year and no one there can do the things i do to get that book out the door. I swear for the past week we had been putting in 12hr days every day - so you don't just call in sick. So there i was hugging my mom one minute, then dressing up and heading into the office. Sure i broke into tears and was a total mess the whole drive over there but i thought to myself that when i got to the office i could just focus ignore everyone and get some things done. It worked for like an hour until my boss showed up and i pulled her aside to warn her that i might be a "lil on edge today" - but the second i tried to tell her what had happened. i completely broke down. she sent me home of course. she's really the best. she told me to take the rest of the week off and that they'd hire as many people as they needed to get the job done without me.

I meant to drive home, to check in on my mom, to get some sleep. But sitting in traffic out there - on some random tuesday morning - it finally HIT ME!!! and i fucking FREAKED OUT!!! Luckily two of my best friends took off from work and met up with me and we spent the day chatting. Anyways . . . the next month was a blur. My brother flew back down, my mom was a total mess, i had to drop by the morgue and pick up my dad's belongings. A wallet. His glasses. His keys. It's soo random the basic everyday objects that are left after we die - that are no longer useful.

Anyways - i meant write about all THAT!!! But i never got around to it. It's been a long crazy trip and my mind has fuckin scrambled - i swear the only way i can describe this experience is like freshman year of college all over again. Where everything you've ever known or thought you've known is called into question. I have been forced to reconsider every relationship i've ever had. Watching my dad's final days and final demise was like watching my own death. Ultimately his loneliness and depression and poor social awkwardness were his downfall. He had SOOO isolated himself from the world and the people around him - into this solitary world in his mind, that he no longer had a support network to turn too. I see myself doing that at times. Cutting off friendships randomly without a second glance. Isolating myself and sabotaging relationships so my bfs grow to resent me. Focusing on my career like the good workaholic i am.

NO, NO, NO - i'm NOT freaking out anymore. I'm just saying you think about all those things when someone soo close to you that lived a parallel life to you, ultimately fails. All THOSE things that you're always saying - "oh, yeah, i need to work on THAT" - come to mind. I've always hoped that one day i'd resolve them. But to watch a grown man struggle with those same problems and have them haunt him to his dying days is a very difficult thing to watch. . . it sucks to watch people die on their downward spiral. I'm the type of person that always thinks that everyon'es going to bounce back, right?


Well a month later and damn have things changed. My life's mellowed out A LOT. I've found a lot of closure and spent some very important moments with my best friends. But most importantly i've learned SOOO much. I feel like a new person. And have set new priorities in my life and with my friends. I'm no longer interested in wasting time or with chat and virtual relationships, I very much crave and expect real interaction and am looking for something very different out of life. I'm over passive aggressiveness in my relationships and emails. I much prefer to deal with my problems directly and immediately. And i'm really enjoying things SOO far.

I just got back from New York and had the most amazing time out there. I went out to see Cristo's "Gates" and see one of my best friends who was out there for the weekend and repair things with another. The trip was everything i wanted and more. It was profound. It was frustrating. It was COLD!!! It was a new beginning. And closure on soo many things. I can't start to describe it. We were out wandering the town until 4am every night, delirious the next day, and loving every moment of it. That city remains such a magical wonderland - of wandering streets all hours of the night and bars and amazing food and interesting art and new experiences.

And now I'm back - in LA and loving it soo much more. Frustrating as it is is to leave that city behind, New York is a state of mind and there's no reason i can't have just as much fun here in town. I look out at the next few months and am soo excited at the opportunities and relationships before me. Still the memories of NY flicker through my mind and tease me. And i know that one day i will live out there. But for now i'm lovin my life here in LA and can't wait to go back there for my next vacation - i've got to hit up NY two times a year at least!!!

And I'm starting over . . . feeling like i'm living my life on my own terms for the very first time, in a very long time.

There's all this lighting and the most insane thunder outside right now. The rains have come back to LA and it's quite the storm. But i like the sound of the rain out there. A furious backdrop to the electro-pop playin away on iTunes, and my fingers dancing across the keyboard as i type this. Catch up with you all later . . .

Date:2004-12-13 01:06

Ended up going over to WeebleWorld.

As advertised: "Experience for the first time ever in the United States, a colossal stage design inspired by Dance Valley in Holland (50,000+ people). This stage will feature the 1st ever giant 2 store built smiley face weeble and the deejays will be spinning from the inside of it on the massive stage concepts by Flair."

Yeah - it was a giant cardboard smiley face >>>>>> fuckin ravers and their exaggerations!!! Maybe if i took enough drugs it would SEEM like a "colossal two-story Weeble" - but in my sobriety it just looked like a big paper cut-out of a smiley face . . . oh well. Fun party. Old skool vibe. Some fun music. Interesting location - who knew Pomona could be soo bumpin? But mellow night all around. It was pleasant. Took it easy this weekend cuz i don't want to get sick - all the fools at my office have been coughing their lungs up and infectin the air all week long.

I think the highlight was watching two truly fucked up (albeit cute) raver boys crawling around on the floor - preforming some ritual over a piece of bracelet laying on the dance floor. At one moment they had to run away because they were SOOO scared of the lil piece of trash. Thewn they came back and poked at it with glowsticks and traced a triangle on the floor around it with their fingers. Until some girl danced all over their lil improteau baptism. If this makes no sense - it's not really supposed to. I have no idea what they were trippin on???

And i really don't know what to write about these days. Perhaps inspiration will strike me one day soon . . . right now i'm just fuckin horny!!!

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Date:2004-11-28 22:17
Subject:I Need To Party
Mood: restless

Aiii - blastin cyber-trance and just finished watching this documentary on F-8 (Frequency 8), with all these shots from SF parties over the last fifteen years, and realized - oh my fuckin gawd i need to go to a good party!!! They totally showed a bunch of SF parties i was at and a bunch of campouts and early parties that I had wanted to go to but never made it out. Which made me realize WTF - i how could i have missed soo many great parties back then. I think what i really needed back then was more raver friends to get the our shit together and drive out to all those parties. Plus i didn't have a car back then . . . things are just soo much easier now. No excuses.

And that I need more raver friends in more life now. I mean how many nights out drinking really stand apart from the rest - but parties - i swear i can remember something unique about almost every one. What happened to the raver scene? I miss the good ol days . . . I just don't have the patience to wait three or four weeks between parties - when there used to be like four or five to pick from on any given weekend. And while i had a fun fuckin time hittin up the bars last night - really wish there had been a big raver-filled party to go to instead. And i sure as hell can't wait until New Year's.

Well there is Weeble World in two weeks:

But I think i finally decided I'll be headin over to "Together As One" at the Sports Arena for some old skool raver antics: http://www.newyearsevela.com/2005/comingsoon/index.html

Enough bitchin - i know!!! I really just need to be more motivated and start talking my friends into the extra hour drive out to the parties that are still happening, albeit in the "909" . . . but i swear it's worth the trek. Ok, ok, back to the music . . .

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Date:2004-11-27 15:25
Subject:Yo - Blog This Bitch!!!
Mood: bouncy

Yo, yo, yo!!!! Well i noticed i haven't updated in awhile (and thought i need a little more light-hearted post) - so here's a quickie . . .

Dancin' around in my underwear listenin to some happy hardcore pounding from my speakers from some euro internet radio station and can i just say that life is pretty grand right now. Havin a few days off has been soo fuckin wonderful. Especially cause i never really made plans and things have just kinda been fallin together.

Wed night went and hit up the latino bar down the street and had a gay ol' time. Hit it off with this group of guys up in there and we went through a few pitchers of beer - them alternately harassing me for being the only gringo and then trying to get in my pants cuz those latin boys sure seem to love gringo ass. But what i really loved about it was i seemed able to actually carry on conversation in spanish, albeit a lil butchered. In fact we hit it off and were talking till like four in the morning!!! Totally gave me faith that i can travel down to Mexico City and South America and start pickin up the language after a few weeks. So yeah fun guys and it was just down the street. Sure beat drivin all the way out to weho . . . and the next day my mind kept on trying to think in spanish - it was kinda weird.

Thanksgiving was mellow day with the folks. Some tasty food. Some fun with grandma - she is soo funny. Went to visit some friends and bring left-overs to some boys without a fam for the holidays. Chilled out and went skinny dippin in this hot tub at my friend's place one of the fuckin coldest nights of the year - ohhh my fuckin gawd!!! Shrinkage!!! But yeah - i miss hot tubbin. I used to go all the time up in santa cruz. But they really don't have many public tubs in LA - that aren't straight up sex clubs. So yeah - was so nice just to sit out there, chillin, lookin up at the full moon through the palm trees and the rising mist.

This of course was followed by a freezing trip back through the garden to the house - where i found yet another wonderful frantic phone call from the Fam - and i was off to the ER - again!!! Wonder if my dad really died this time or was it just another close-call - oh joy!!! But yeah - turned out to be pretty mellow by the time i got there. Crisis averted - so i just consoled my mom for awhile and headed home to sleep. Not much else i could do . . .

Yesterday was a fun day of just fuckin around after dropping by work real quick to ship the cover of the latest issue. Guess no major executive died over the holiday so our front page remained intact. Which was cool - cuz i wasn't about to tear all the layouts and re-do them again. So meet up with a friend. Had way too much caffeine. Have you seen me on way too much caffeine!!!?!!! And saw Kinsey - which was fascinating. Damn that guy accomplished a lot!!! I had no idea what a profound impact he had on our culture - and no wonder the conservatives hate him. Fascinating look at people's unacknowledged behavior though and just how far we have (and have not) come in the last sixty years.

And can i just say how much i love drivin around LA during holidays - cuz no one's fuckin here and the roads are actually driveable. Now if all those folk that went back to the mid-west and the east coast just stayed there. Then it was off to culver city for chinese food with more friends . And more caffeine - for me :P And then onto . . . the drunken craziness down at in LB that is Boy Bar!!! Fun as always and soo many fuckin cute guys, soo many more then usual (in town vistin the fam, i guess?). Lot of good it did us though - this one friend and i became enamored with a new go-go boy and couldn't take our eyes off him - DAMN!!! And i usually never even waste time on the go-go boys - cuz it's never gonna lead anywhere- ya know. But yeah - got plenty trashed and danced my ass off!!!

And now i still got two more days of vacation - woohoo!!!

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Date:2004-11-06 12:47
Subject:Die Abercrombie - DIE!!!
Mood: bitchy

So yeah everyone always jokes about not sexing bush voters - don't give em play - hit em where it hurts. Well that goes without saying. But my latest realization after reading yet another story of the business practices of abercrombie. I'd like to address all the gay boyz out there - this one's for you:

Now you already now my absolute hatred for all things abercrombie (well maybe not the cute boyz - but thats a trick i tell you). Well not only has abercrombie continued to create a dangerous conformity among the gay community; a west hollywood-ization of the dating scene. And while they continue to court the young gay consumers - they refuse to support gay publications with their advertising dollars. This has all been said. You guys know this already. So what right? No one seems to care - all our friends and every lil fag keeps on buying away and worshiping the very ground their models walk on.

But i'm talking about taking your frustrations and our action further. Abercrombie corporate is located in Ohio and is an excellent example one of one of those "invisible" red-state companies that relies on our dollars to fund their conservative agenda. Agenda you ask? Yes - spreading white-bred midwest values and conformity into the american cultural landscape. And won't detractors say -"But what about all the conservative protests on abercrombie? How can they be considered part of a conservative agenda?" Because real conservatism is about consumerism and capitalism. About perpetuating a middle-american fantasy among young consumers through their product-line and injecting the image and life-style of conservatism into our culture and sexual tastes. They are creating the Reagan youth of today. We saw these fuckers out celebrating on tuesday night. But i'm not just asking you to stop supporting them with your retail dollars - that goes without saying.

I'd like to take things one step further and ask that we boycott the abercrombie boyz and everything they represent - in totality. I'm sick of guys in the gay community, friends included that are obsessed and obsess over the abercrombie look. And now there is even a sub-genre of guys that say their "not into the abercrombie guyz (the ones that wear the clothes.)" But actually pursue guys that look just like abercrombie boyz and live the life-style but wear boutique-y alternative brands (which usually means their objects of lust are really just closeted abercrombie boyz or just too broke for the uniform.) No more ambercrombie boys at all i say!!! We must reject what they stand for.

Yes you heard it here first - no more boning those pretty athletic, boyish guys strutting out their A&F. Now i'm not saying no cute, boyish, athletic guys. But i am saying be weary of the boy's politics before stickin his dick in your mouth. And yes you can usually tell that by how they carry themselves, what they wear, the things they say and where you found them hanging out. And don't tell me not to mix sex and politics cause there's plenty of fuckin hot guys out there to cum all over your face without having to resort to the A&F twinks. How bout you get a new fetish already, try something new - you might just like it.

Myself i'd like to say i'm particularly turned on by the class politics and revolutionary struggle of latino boyz - and they're fuckin great in the sack. So there you go - my lesson for the day - sex can be a poltical and progressive act!!!

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Date:2004-11-01 21:28
Subject:Red Pill, Blue Pill
Mood: bouncy

Wow!!! This weekend was profound. Monster Massive was more then i ever expected. What an incredible fuckin night!!! I wasn't really expecting much going into it - it was just something to do. And everyone kept on bailing and i thought i might have to go it solo. But as it always seems to happen - things just started falling together.

I ran over last minute to my friends house across town to finish up my costume. Showed up with my fuzzy fabrics and we went to work making some very blue fuzzy shorts, err chaps (not the gay kind mind you but the raver kind.) Well actually my two best girl friends wendy and ranak immediately decided that i did not know what i was doing when it came to sewing and took over the operation. Though i must say i did a great job of pre-planning the patterns and cutting the material just right. So the fuzz was flying all over the place and their very straight bfs proceeded to stare at me with wide eyes as i cut out the ass and crotch of the pants. But you see i was going to be a TECHNO COWBOY and these had to be cowboy looking pants ya know. And to finish it off i had this great bambi looking fabric - which several people looked at with anguish. But no - i didn't go around murdering lil anime fawns to make my cowboy vest - it was artificial i swear. but i do love the idea of wearing Bambi's pelt to a party - how post-modern. So lil Sheriff's star and handcuffs and i was good to go. And yes i ended up wearing shorts underneath - i'm not that scandalous. Well, actually i guess i kind of am - but even after the careful group sewing production there was still some doubt that the costume might completely fall apart when dancing and drenched in raver sweat. So yeah . . . shorts underneath it was.

A few hours later, my friend Chris came by in the cutest lil fuzzy dinosaur pants with a big ol spiky green tail. We were quite the candy ravers tonight. And i gotta say it made things so much more fun. We parked over by the Collesium and headed over. The night was freezing and i couldn't help but feel bad for all the lil girls dressed all skanky like anime - like short skirt, cleavage pop-ing Alice in Wonderland costumes. We waited in line forever. Taking in all the amazing costumes. Chris was feeling pretty nervous and suddenly i was too. We debated why it is that we always feel so scared and sick to our stomach in the minutes leading up to a rave? I guess we're afraid we might get arrested, we might O.D. - wondering if tonight is the night we might loose control of our emotions and totally flip out? Hmmm, i'm not sure? I think it has more to do with our body anticipating something amazing - a crowded space where anything and everything can happen. It's that anticipation of the unexpected and the unknown that's truly scary. But that's also the appeal - TOO much of our lives are scripted. At least mine seems to be sometimes. I thrive off these nights of organized chaos.

So we finally got inside around 11 after waiting with thousands of other costumed ravers around the Sports Arena. And what proceeded was one of the MOST AMAZING NIGHTS OF MY LIFE!!! I don't know how to describe it all. I don't think i can without sounding totally insane - but yeah that night was off the hook. The arena was packed. The music was awesome. The pills we found were HUGE and the two of us - both seasoned ravers - agreed we have never quite rolled like that before. It was like the first time all over again. It was such a unique high the complemented the music perfectly. The only way we could describe the night was living through some fantastic dream. Up on stage this giant ghost peered down with burning red eyes. And lil demons glarred out from these giant closets on stage. The laser show was brilliant and the place just kept filling up. I was one of those nights I wished i'd brought my camera but at the same time there's no way i would have been able to experience it quite the same way if i had been taking pictures the whole time. Saturday i was completely immersed.

And i know trance isn't for everyone but i swear the set by Paul Van Dyk had all eyes riveted to the stage and soo many dancing fools running around bouncing up and down. I'd never seen him before and really wasn't expecting much from him at all (cause big name djs usually end up being WAY over hyped) but he completely blew me away. And the style of trance contained a hypnotic sound that just pulled your thoughts and vision into some weird time warp. Minutes would pass and then my friend i would look around and feel like hours passed and then realize it was only a minute later. Looking around everyone looked so beautiful. The guys were fuckin stunning. I swear every hot boy in the LA basin must come out to these LA massives. I don't know - i really can't describe it. But we DANCED OUR ASSES OFF!!!

Four in the morning happened before we even knew it and as the lights came, and still in a daze, it was soo crazy to stare around at all the other costumed fools just as fucked up as we were. I wish i could explain that place we all went to that night. At the very climax of the evening I feel like everything built up to this one point of realization where i faced my demons - lost in my head - i starred them down and realized there really isn't anything to be scarred of. It was like some in-depth step-aerobics accelerated raver therapy. I must have thought of every ex, of every relationship, of my parents and my friends . . . and come to terms with my life on soo many levels. What an incredible fuckin night!!! Happy FUCKIN Halloween!!!

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Date:2004-10-30 11:57
Subject:Halloween and Skater Boy Cock
Mood: excited

Yo what up everybody!!! So the weather's warming up again and i'm back in action!!!

So the pensive depression has faded. I guess i should no better that every three months or so i kinda withdraw from everyone in my life and try to re-align my priorities. And i'm fuckin excited.

What brought about the sudden change? I dunno - lots of things but it all really came together earlier in the week after i randomly drove out to meet a new boy in the middle of the night.

We hung out. I looked over at his skateboard laying around the floor [my weakness]. We chatted. Hooked up. He came all over the place. Looked down at me all covered in jizz. And said - "You know - thanks a lot. I'm glad we met - you're a really nice guy". And he meant it!!! I swear this is one of the few normal, appreciative guys i've met in months. Sure it was just a blow job - but it was also so much more. And who knows if we'll see each other again anytime soon. But we made the most of the moment - really got to know each other, respected each other's company and had a great time. Is one skater boy all it takes for me to re-gain my faith in humanity? Pretty gay - huh?!?

Driving home, still tasted the skater boy's cum in my mouth. Looking out at the full moon rising over the LA Basin. Listening to my music soar from the speakers. I smiled. LA is a truly exciting place. And there really is soo much going on. It's just too easy to get distracted with lame people. To fall into a pattern. To forget about who's really important.

I've made a lot of decisions in the last week and i'm moving forward. As i type this and the music's pouring from my computer - you have no idea the feelin of elation i'm feeling. Sure it might be the caffeine from an hour ago . . . but really. It's fuckin Halloween weekend. I fuckin love this holiday. I always have - there's just something soo exciting about the costumes and the crisp Fall weather. And tonight I'm going to go out and PARTY !!!

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Date:2004-10-24 18:11
Subject:Quiet Moments
Mood: hopeful

Nothing like a long solitary walk at the beach, listening to the Cure and NIN to cheer you up.

I miss carving pumpkins with my boyfriend.

I miss all the friends I've lost from my life - J, K, K, J, J, B & A. Where you kids at and what went wrong? Life i guess . . . it just keeps on moving along and no one ever stays in the same place. We all move on . . . I guess i'm just bumming cause no one in my life really understands me like you all do. I miss that connection. I hope you all are doing well. I hope we find each other again one day.

You know - it may not sound like it but a weekend of lots of sleep and quiet moments to myself really did some good. I'm actually feelin a lil' better. Or maybe that's just cause i was listening to some happy hardcore on the way back from the beach. That's stuffs like virtual crack - i swear!!!

Date:2004-10-23 15:26

October is always a profound month in my life. It brings great change. I've been depressed for weeks. I feel like everyone's let me down in the last year. I'm not meeting the sort of people that i need in my life right now. LA has become as vapid and solitary as people warned me. I don't know what to expect anymore. For now i've decide to give up on boys and devote myself full-time to video games and exercise.

Finally this morning i woke up and have somehow pulled myself together. I watched some cartoons and some Smallville while doing laundry. Then i went wandering around downtown for awhile. I don't spend enough time down here. I fuckin love the craziness of these streets on the weekend. Crazy spanish techno, girls hawking bootleg DVDs, weird wedding/lingerie shops with ridiculous gaudy attire, the flower warehouses, and the stores just filed with hundreds of bolts of every kind of fabric. So yeah - ended up over in the garment district and bought myself some fuzzy fabric. Oh yes - you heard that right. I'm gonna make some fuzzy shorts to wear to parties. I can just hear the collective sigh and jeers from all my ex's right now - HA!!!

I've been going to more undergrounds lately. Anthems a few weeks back was pretty cool. Reminded me of the good ol days of small lil warehouse parties - everyone all dressed up. And at least they remind there are real people in LA. I wish i could live in candyland raverworld all week long. The music is soo much better, the boyz are cuter, everyone's dancing, wandering through the dark rooms i just feel more at home and and at least i'm happy. Heading out to Secret Squirrel Halloween Bash Tonight (www.pwly.com) and Monster Massive next weekend!!! I really wanna head up to SF for the SKILLs party next weekend but that just seems like a lil too much effort right now.

Date:2004-10-09 14:50
Subject:But What Are You Going To Do?

Overheard at work yesterday:

"Well, I got these lil' numbers over at Targét for $9 the other day.
I'm sure some Chinese child slaved over them.
But what are you going to do?"

Ahh . . . welcome to my world. But seriously - what are we to do.
I was aghast at his rather frank phrasing of this fact - yet you and I and our friends and our families all buy stuff at Target, Walmart or whatever other local box store that is around cause they're soo convenient and cheap.

Just a thought . . .

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Date:2004-10-06 21:42
Subject:Love Parade

Damn!!! Had an awesome lil' road trip up to SF this weekend for the Love Parade.

Here's some pix: http://members.cruzio.com/~chaderik/journal.html

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my journal